My mother will drive me up the wall. Incidentally, I have, in several of my less-employed moments wondered about the exact origin of this expression, i.e., driving someone up the wall. Does it refer to a feeling of irritation so singularly intense that you wish to relinquish human existence in favour of that of a wall lizard? Why a wall lizard, pray? Obviously because wall lizards don’t have television sets. Also if one wall lizard of a particular wall lizard community, married another wall lizard of another wall lizard community, then the female wall lizard’s family very rarely give two hoots. This is of course assuming that wall lizards have communities, and get married. The difference between human beings and wall lizards lie at deeper, more existential levels. This is assuming that I know exactly what existentialism is, and it isn’t just another random word I just bandied about. Which, of course, ISN’T the case. It IS just another random word I bandied about.
Coming back to wall lizards, which, incidentally, isn’t what this post is all about, they rarely have complicated lives, and wall lizard technology is unheard of. So, even if we were to assume that wall lizards do, indeed have such complicated lives as previously described (communities, marriage, et al), they rarely get to convey information about such complications to the unsuspecting wall lizard public via the medium of television. So, even if the aforementioned male wall lizard is, one of these days, found dead on an ant trail, after being overrun by a train of ants, such information will rarely, if never, cause a ripple in the wall lizard world. Even if we are to take into consideration that it is very hard for a wall lizard to be run over by a train of ants, and hence, all things considered, this is a highly suspicious death.
Such is the uncomplicated life of wall lizards that such incidents, in the rare instance of their occurrence, will never invade the homes (or walls) of your average everyday young adult of a wall lizard. Mother wall lizards will certainly not be glued to their hypothetical television sets for every new scrap of information(?) that the wall lizard media cares to throw their way. Mother lizards couldn’t care less. Which is why I say that my mother is driving me up the wall. I pine for the wall lizard existence that I can never have.
However, while we are discussing idioms (and by the looks of it, that is ALL that we’ll ever discuss, the actual topic having long slipped my mind), there are a few points that I would like to clarify about my pro-wall lizard stance. Firstly, I have long considered wall lizards to be, quite frankly, one of the lowest of (hypothetical) God’s creations. Recent developments (refer to above) have forced a partial change in my view of these creatures, and have made me see their existence in a much favourable light. However, I still place these creatures very, very, very, very low in my personalized, ethical order of evolution. Somewhere at the bottom, actually.
Therein lies a problem. For, if I were to assume a wall lizard existence, I would refuse to assign to myself a species which falls so much lower on the evolutionary ladder than, say, humans. Why? Because, as I have already shown you, a human existence has its pitfalls. If the situation described in paragraphs 1 and 2 (yes, you have to go back and count) were to hypothetically happen in human society, reactions wouldn’t quite be the same. To start with, human communities would indeed give, not just two, but several hoots about this. Of course I’m not even starting on all this hoop-la about marriage that we humans have, that would take me into a discussion about free love, and we don’t want THAT. Suffice to say, given the hypothetical situation that two humans of two opposite communities enter into a contract/sacrament to live with each other, other human beings wouldn’t look too kindly upon it. And if one human were to be economically less well off that the other, then heavens! Human wrath would know no end.
Yes, yes, you say, but problem? Wherein lies the problem? Therein, I say. Wherein, you ask. Therein, I say. This goes on for quite some time. So, my suggestion to you is, don’t ask, just listen.
So, as we can see, humans aren’t quite as noble as, say, wall lizards. They marry. They have communities. They fight. And eventually, in some cases, they kill.
And THEREIN lies my objection to the whole hypothetical scenario that I, myself, have so painstakingly created. I refuse to be further down on the evolutionary ladder than a species which has lesser morals than I have. If I am to be a wall lizard, then I refuse to be placed lower on my ladder than humans. I will gladly embrace wall lizard existence, for the last month or so has convinced me of it’s beauty. But I plain refuse to be considered inferior to human beings, a species, which, as I have (hopefully) convincingly established, possesses a morality lower than your common everyday garden slug. Garden Slug, my respects to you.
Hence I have driveled. Why, you may ask, yet unconvinced of my purpose. Didn’t I tell you not to? Ask, that is? Well, if you must, then I will succinctly state the purpose of this rant. This, ladies and gentlemen, is my case for a new evolutionary order. Darwin knew nuts. I have laid in front of you an elaborate proof as to why we need to change the evolutionary order. Wall lizards may not be placed right in front, in fact, I’d rather they were not. But wherever they are placed, human beings should not be placed ahead of them. That’s all I ask for, judicious readers. That my mother drove me up the wall, for reasons aforementioned, was purely an incidental spark that led me to the discovery of a higher truth.
Yes, indeed, you dimwit, I DID have a point. Didn’t I tell you so, right in the beginning?