Monday, December 31, 2007

So this is how it ends.

It’s the last day of the year. And like every other last day of every other span of time, it is screaming at me to introspect. I don’t want to, dammit. I hate introspection. It’s another matter that I do a lot of it, but I hate it anyway. I hate trying to separate time into a series of momentous/life-altering moments, because there are so few of them, and because it seems like something huge should have happened, which didn’t. You see, I still believe that something amazing is going to happen, and the fact that it hasn’t already is a source of huge disappointment for me. As I have already established through previous posts, I love the idea of apocalyptic showdowns. Of course, my idea of such a showdown has tempered down over the years. I started with judgment day (the real stuff, with meteorites, and alien invasions and all), and now am stuck at getting a boyfriend. Apocalyptic indeed. It would kill him.
However, I have valiantly fought the realization that something big may not happen. Bosh. You see, if I ever succumbed to that belief, then what would I live for? Certainly not the next day, knowing that I would have to live off whatever random scraps life threw my way. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the small joys and all that jazz. It’s just that I believe that a life is too small to be spent collecting tiny pieces, just so that you can put them all together at the end of your life, nod your head, and say, “Hmm, maybe it wasn’t that bad.” Once in a while, you need to stop and feel that what you’re living through may never happen again, that it’s special, that it’s unique, that it’s changing your life irrevocably, that it’s BIG. Each year passes me by with few of those moments. But I continue hoping, pathological optimist that I am, that something BIG might happen. I can imagine myself at the end of my life, still thinking, “There’s still some time, maybe the aliens will land, after all.” And poof, I’m dead. That was the “something BIG”, stupid.
But back to new years (and really, you should tell me when I start ranting) - they demand introspection. And all these years, my moment of introspection was just that, a moment, because there wasn’t really much to think about. This year, however, has been slightly different.
This year, I’ve met different people, I’ve learnt new things. This year, I’ve messed up in the most amazingly stupid ways. I’ve also done oddly well in some respects, and oddly bad in others. Significantly, this year, I’ve realized the unimportance of it all. I’ve realized how little everything matters, and I’ve also realized how everything else matters proportionately much, much more. But most importantly, this year I’ve realized that posts like this are so profoundly self-important, it’s ridiculous. No one wants to know what this year meant to me. Yet I ply you with unnecessary and cloyingly vague details. This year has also been a lesson in self-realization for me. There. Stop it, dammit.
However, there is One Very Important Lesson I am carrying with me from this year to the next. No self-realization-themed-revelatory article is complete without at least one of this kind, and this is mine. And this is what I’ve realized (drum roll) - something BIG WILL happen. Imagine neon lights and burlesque dancers doing the can-can around the letters W-I-L-L. THAT is the strength of my conviction. When you consider that I began each of the last few years with a slightly flagging belief in the future, then you will understand why this is important.
I’ve also realized that I’m a pathological optimist, and incurably so. This realization should be at odds with the previous realization, but since when have I let mere inconsistencies of character bother me?
I will break convention, and end with a cliché. I will probably murder myself for the incredible soppiness of this post, or, at the very least, gag whenever I see it. But, I’m afraid, the truth must be told. And the truth of the matter is, I feel EXACTLY this way. There, go on and judge me. I’ll join you.
“Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.”
- Green Day, “Good Riddance of your Life”
And I have to admit, I DID have the time of my life.
To think that it's barely begun.

Happy New Year, people. Thanks for reading.